letter

I'm getting very bored of my current situation of limbo. I don't want to think anymore about where I'm going to be living, how much it's going to cost, whether my education is good enough, how much do I like Hawaii, do I want to go somewhere else... and all the weighing and sorting of my life. Totally bored. I don't want to talk about it anymore which is making me not want to be bothered with making any decisions. Unfortunately, I've taken that road a few too many times recently and am disgusted with that as well. And all the times I have this same set of thoughts I've just laid out I'm left thinking that it's such an annoying, crazy, interesting, weird place I'm in right now. Everywhere I turn I'm confronted with things that I both don't want to look at but can't help but see the overall lesson that I could take away if I just dealt with it. It's great! but completely irritating all at once.

So a friend wrote me the other day asking how everything was going for me and I was surprised at what came out of me just a few minutes ago and I decided it captured a vantage point that I hadn't seen before and I wanted to share it:

It's been so interesting the last couple of months. really quite ridiculous, as no other description works for me. Everything in my life continues to behave in a sort of suspended, oscillating reality waiting for me to choose my own adventure and I'm finding that I've been trying very hard to worm out of the choice for a long time. Only now I'm completely cornered and it's time that I accept responsibility for my life, but I'm still looking for a way out even though I know that the only way out is to make my choice. I just wish there was some way of knowing that you made the right choice before it's too late.. but then I guess that's why there are those people out there who are always saying that it's never too late.