you have no idea

I've been sitting at the computer for the last 2 or 3 hours..... I'm supposed to be doing homework. I *need* to be doing this homework. I know this. but.I.can't.seem.to.get.myself.to.DO.it. I don't know if the frustration is communicated in that last sentence. This is intensely frustrating right now. The obvious question is, clearly, why don't you just do it? get it done? you'll feel better. I'm starting to really understand just why obvious questions are so annoying.
The thing is that I don't know! I don't have any idea why sometimes I just can't seem to do it. I can do anything BUT the stuff I need to do most. It doesn't even matter what the stuff is that I need to do. It can be something that I otherwise enjoy, but as soon as I *NEED* to do it - like someone telling me it has to be done, or that it's *time* to get it done, or it'll be better to just get it done now, it's like all of a sudden my hands are tied and that's it. The only thing that unties me is straight up fear. it has to get to the point of - ohmygodifIdon'tgetitdonesomethingbadwillhappentome. Then I do it. I will fail out of school. I won't be able to pay my bills. I will be embarrassed in some way. I will feel bad - really bad. Because just regular bed doesn't seem to be motivating enough. I mean, I feel pretty bad now and it's not helping me do my homework. It's amazing to me that I ever get anything done. How did I ever get through college?

It's not like this is a new thing. This has been a part of me as long as I can remember. I was telling a story the other day about how when I was little I'd be going about my day, and maybe I'd have been thinking, "Man, my room is disGUSting! I should maybe clean it up a little..." ..and of course this would be the EXACT moment that my mom would come find me and *tell* me to clean my room. disaster. Now I can't do it. Like physically painful to clean my room. Like it is going against every FIBER of my being to clean my room.

What's even more amazing to me are the situations where having someone stand there and tell me what to do is the only way I can do things! Like exercise. I *hate* getting myself to exercise, but if I have someone telling me to go run around and do stuff, like in a class, or working out with certain friends (this is also interesting - can't just be anyone), I'm super happy to be ordered around.

WHY?!!!! why is this?? Why does it seem to take SO MUCH EFFORT to do anything, and even more, why does it take ORDERS of magnitude MORE effort to actually finish a task??? Follow-through, perseverance, drive, motivation, self-discipline........ these things are tenuous and elusive for me. Like a slippery greased pig and I have small hands with big sausage fingers that have no dexterity or any ability to hold on to things. and on top of that I'm fat and slow while the piggy is quick and agile.

Right now I'm wonderig if I'm having this inertia (do you call it that is this kind of situation?) because I'm so nervous about finishing school. I'm terrified of being done and out on my own. I have no idea how I'm ver going to have my shit together enough to support myself. I hate that I'm 30 years old (almost) and I still can't take care of myself properly. Or that (more accurately) I have a bad attitude about it and I don't like the ways I'll probably have to do it. Meaning I don't like working jobs that I don't care about. I don't like the idea of having to have part time jobs that require that I have no life outside of them because it takes all my time to get enough money to pay my bills. I hate that I've spent so much time and money to learn so much stuff and when I have the piece of paper that says I can do these things, it's still not enough.

Why don't I have that drive? Why don't I have a Go GET It attitude? Why am I not money motivated? What am I afraid of? What do I think is going to happen if I do or don't do these things? I can think through all these things and I can come up with my answers - and these answers even make me feel better about getting shit done and doing what it takes, and that working hard for what I want will make it so much better once I actually get it and blahblahblah. and that's just it. it's all just more words and it doesn't get me any further towards my goal. This ethereal goal which is always looooooming out there where you can never quite poke at it, even with the longest stick you can find.

I guess I've come to think of it, funnily enough to me, kind of like I think of religious people. I've always been amazed by people who just seem to have blindly accepted this world view from their parents/families/whomever.. this is the right way to live, these are the rules, etc. EVEN when they don't make any sense. Religion provides a safe place for these people to exist. They don't have to answer these questions for themselves - it's all done for them and they can spend their time praying about how thankful they are that they don't have to think about it. I guess this is how I feel about being in school. It's so safe. I know how it works, I know what I'm supposed to do. I'm not in charge, it's expected of me that I don't know everything. I'm not SUPPOSED to know everything. That's why I'm there! I'm financially supported and my job is to have fun and learn things. I have to take tests and write papers and go to class, but that's all fine because I don't have to be out in the real world where nothing conforms to the rules of the book. and I don't have to figure out how to get someone to pay me to do what I think is fun. and I don't have to spend a bunch of time doing things that aren't fun in the meantime while I figure it all out.

Ugh. You can drive yourself crazy thinking about crap like this.

So I keep thinking, "I just wish I knew what I wanted." If I had a clear idea of where I want to go maybe I could start piecing together some kind of path so I could get there. And upon writing that just now, I think maybe I might possibly have stumbled on one of my major problems. I see an outline of what I want the end of the road to be and because I can't see anything along the path I'm giving up and throwing the compass on the ground and walking away screeching about how it's not possible... noooooooot unlike how I felt about cleaning my room as a kid (god! I still remember how angry it made me). So here I am about to have a peptalk to myself over the computer and broadcast it out to the 3 people who ever look at this thing - haha - and probably won't read this far......... I need some more interesting exclamations. So I guess the lesson here is that if I have at least an idea of where I want to end up, I can start trying to piece together a route. and I guess it doesn't really matter how it is that I end up getting there... and blahblah the journey is all the fun anyway, except that it's really stressful and nervewracking and feels shitty and terrible and I hate it the whole time. God, it's like hiking up something steep on a really hot day with no breeze and a heavy pack with terrible support, and there are swarms of all the worst kind of bugs crawling in your eyes and you're having to walk next to the most annoying person you can possibly think of and it's not even scenic except for every once in a looooooooooooooong while when you think you're just not going to go one step further and then you seem to find yourself on a flat spot and the wind is blowing the bugs away and the annoying person fell far enough back that you can't hear them and the trees clear and all of a sudden you remember why you came this way because the sunset is spectacular and somehow that gets you to walk a little further up the mountain. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD?

Shark!

Angelica came to Coconut with me today (it was my last day..... sad!) and we were snorking the reef by the point and...
1. saw a baby jellyfish - roughtly the size of a nickel,
2. saw a sad sick diseased giant honu that had big tumors growing out of its head,
AND!!!!
3. got buzzed by a 6-8' hammerhead (I think)!!!

I say 'I think' because bythe time it registered in my head that I'd ust seen a shark swim very close to me and that it was big, I was out of there. I don't think it was bigger than 8' but it was definitely no smaller than the same size as us, I think it was bigger than us for sure, but I can't really say. It was thick. I was SO scared! and of course, Angelica was ready to go chase it, disappointed she hadn't seen it. I was pretty impressed by how fast I can swim! by the time we got close enough to the island that I was willing to stop I was shaking so badly I could barely stand! It was pretty funny, I just fell back down into the water..

It's even funnier now that I'm wiriting this, but just a few hours ago I felt like I'd just cheated death. And upon reflection, I doubt it had even the remotest interest in us, but I wasn't really interested in sticking around to find out. Once we got back to the Point Lab, Ku'ulei told us that they come into the bay to have their pups. I'd heard that but told myself repeatedly that I'd never see any. Exciting!

Colorado Day 5

Today we hiked to Copeland, Cascade, and Ouzel Falls. It was pretty great to be so near rivers for the whole day - they're my favorite!! There were many spots along the way where I'd have been content to just flop down and sun myself all day long - not even making it up to the 'destinations'.

No idea what this flower is, but it's so pretty!

I loved these bridges!

Cascade Falls

Family Portrait!

Ouzel Falls

This was our lunch spot for the day - pretty sweet view

We took a differnt trek back to the car - following a 'llamas and hikers only' trail - meaning no horses or other 'stock' - it was pretty fun - mostly walking down a little stream. We barely passed another 2 people. Very nice, great day!

Colorado Day 4

Today we started out at the Bear Lake trail head and hiked to Nymph Lake, Dream Lake, and Emerald Lake. We got a pretty late start, but luckily the hikes weren't very long or very steep so we were able to cover ground pretty steadily -especially once we got warmed up.

Nymph Lake was first on the trail - I think it was less than a 1/2 mile - real small lake, we saw some ducks, had a snack and then moved on towards Dream Lake. The scenery on this hike was so killer! Huge views everywhere totally made for a super hike.

look!

We definitely ran into a little bit of weather, nothing major though. Just enough to keep us from sweating or getting too hot. I really like hiking in that kind of weather.. little bit of sun, little bit of rain, some wind, repeat!
There was also a lot more snow on the trail than any of us were really expecting, which also made for a fun day. I was kicking myself a little bit for not packing my boots for this trip - I guess it shows my level of ignorance about June in the Rockies! No trouble though I didn't fall into any of the lakes and my two pairs of socks kept my feet plenty warm.


After Dream Lake, we were on to Emerald. There was a lot more snow for this part of the hike, and I was lucky that a guy on his way down gave me the hiking stick he'd picked up. It really made sliding around on the snow more enjoyable for me.

We hung out at Emerald Lake and ate some lunch before heading back down. The views were pretty special and it was hard to get myself to leave.



My favorite part of today was watching my dad stomp through the snow. It cracked me up - it was like seeing him as a 7 year old little boy back in the UP. I tried to get a movie of it, but I was a little late - the deep and steep snow was pretty much done and there wasn't much reason to stomp through it.

Colorado Day 3

Today we drove Trail Ridge Road. I expected many precarious ledges and to be simultaneously scared for my life and awed by the beauty around me.

The weather started rolling in soon after we started the drive. We thought it was going to be rain, but soon found out that because of our elevation it was more of the hail-snow we'd experienced at Cub Lake yesterday. Semi-dense balls of snow driven by serious winds!

Visibility kept getting more and more restricted until we were barely able to drive because we could only see 5-10' in front of the car... but yet the road remained open! (we'd been told the road would be closed at Rainbow Curve - only 11 miles down the road)


We made it to the Alpine Visitors Center juuuuuust as the clouds were clearing. The view was so exciting and spectacular - I couldn't possibly capture it with a camera, but I did my best.


The snow was deep and when we started heading up the little trail to the top of the hill by the center, I was definitely regretting that I hadn't brought my boots -there was deep snow on either side of the trail - which was intermittently covered in slush deep enough to soak my puny running shoes.


We all made it to the top though and while we were aware of the approaching brew of snow contained in the clouds racing towards us, we managed to see and appreciate the sights while catching our breath from the climb (my RBC count must be SKYROCKETING!!!)

This area used to be a glacier field according to a sign I didn't read - I wonder if it was only 5 years ago or 50....

We road tripped all the way to Grand Lake on the other side of RMNP - pretty awesome trip, amazing views everywhere, then headed back so we could meet up with a friend of my mom's from work (Matt). The trip back was less exciting, except for just after this pic (which I'd been planning all day - wanting to capture just how deep the snow is) when I heard a big rumble of THUNDER!!! sooooooooo awesome!!! I wish it had just raged hard core lightning and fearsome snow, but alas it was a one time event as we raced down the mountain and back to our little cottage. I fell asleep in the car.

Meeting Marr was pretty cool. He's about my age and has been living in CO for a while - serious fisherman/dog lover (you know how I feel there). He had some seriously entertaining stories about fish, bears, and moose that I will take into serious consideration before I'd ever decide to move to CO and become some kind of backwoods mountain-woman. Dinner was killer tonight - buffalo burgers and root veggies! My stomach has never been so pleased.

Colorado Day 2

Today we hiked the Cub Lake Trail. It was pretty easy - 2.3 miles with very little elevation gain - 700' +/- .. It was our first day out though and I still haven't really slept so there was definitely a little tension on the trail, but only at the end when Dad and I were getting hungry.


The landscape was soooooooo beautiful!!! I am so in love with mountains and meadows and rivers... sometimes it just kills me that I live in Hawaii and don't actually find it to be the pinnacle of my existence. If we had rivers (and I mean like mountain rivers, not sludgy crap streams that barely make it to the ocean and only exist on the windward side or when we have days of rain)........ I don't know that I could leave.


We got snowed on pretty quickly into the hike and allllllmost turned back since Steve didn't have his rain gear and I didn't have my hat and gloves (it was cold!) but we persevered (mostly because we couldn't see mom and dad because they were so far ahead - haha) and it stopped pretty quickly. It turned into an amazing day and we didn't have any inclement weather again until we were almost to the end of the hike.

I saw sooo many pretty flowers that smelled soooooooo good! we saw elk (maybe a baby moose), and ducks, magpie, a snake!


We were all pretty done by the end and when we headed out the only focus was food. We stopped in at the Estes Park Brewery but were sorely disappointed, the food was junk!

Dad and I are a liiiiiiiiiittle crank tonight, but hopefully we're going to sleep it off and tomorrow will be a better day.





So far I love Rocky Mountain National Park!!!

Colorado Day 1

Arrived this morning/noon in Denver and was surprised to have my mom meet me at the gate. So fun! I haven't had someone meet me at the gate since I was 15. Amazing. It was nice to meet up after our respective flights. Dad and Steve met up at the bag claim and we were on our way to Estes Park. I'd had a pretty good flight. I managed to sleep maybe 2 hours or so on my way from HNL to SFO and then had awesome conversation with the guy next to me (Andrew? from Thetford, VT - wish I'd gotten his last name!) from SFO to DEN - we covered all types of issues including all the wonderful uses for acupuncture, undergrad degrees, insurance companies, consulting jobs, math, surgery, it was good fun. And he was pretty cute! It helped that I drank some jasmine tea on the plane, otherwise I'd have been braindead and cranky.

I was soooooooo excited to see my family, I jabbered nonstop at my mom (cause we were in the back seat while my dad and Steve were listening to an audiobook) for a good hour. We finally made it to Estes Park and the first thing out of Mom's mouth was that she was ready to go BAR HOPPING! ridiculous. I love it! I wish I'd brought my camera, but it's not like we did anything that interesting. We played a long, not keeping score game of bar shuffleboard that Steve clearly dominated. Dad and I fought it out for last place.

We went to 2 bars - I had a Fat Tire (yum) and a Moose Drool (fun just for the name, but a little thick for my fatigue level tonight) I definitely was a cheap drunk after so little sleep and am going to be proud if I can stay up until 8pm tonight (only another 1.5 hours!)

I'm hoping to have pics starting tomorrow!

BBQ at the Erin/Aren's

Erin and Aren had a Memorial Day BBQ and lots of us headed over to join in the festivities. Everyone brought something delicious and we all had a really good time. Ian, Liz, and George came with me - we played pool and darts.

and made Leila cry by trying to give her some of Angelica's hair

but she liked being bounced!

Weeee!

It's Spring (Summer)

and I spent the day inside organizing notes from my previous 2 semesters of school and enjoying the rain that was finally falling after what seemed like too many hot sunny days (I am one of those people who require inclement weather to feel fulfilled and happy). I've been obsessively listening to Ray Lamontagne, Dispatch, Brett Dennon, Mason Jennings, CeU, and Kings of Convenience lately. Quite enjoyable!

I got a brilliant idea and decided to play with some watercolors in the sprinkling rain this afternoon!

but unfortunately, the weather wasn't quite finished and decided to POUR, which ruined the cool things going on above... I kept at it though and made a semi-cheezy tree and a color wash.


Last night I made Calabrese Meatballs (YUM) and tonight DnA, Rahul, and I will eat them.

Posting

I'm having entirely too much fun to even think about regular blog posts.

too bad for you.

good for me!

Kong Hee Fa Choy

The moon passes in front of the sun, during a partial solar eclipse, as it sets over Manila Bay, in the Philippines on January 26, 2009. (REUTERS/Romeo Ranoco) #

boston.com

Having Fun

When I landed, it was 2 deg out and there was LOTS of snow! I was too exhausted to play in it..

But I did help Dad shovel off the deck! That was a good time. It's been a long time since I've seen so many people wearing carharts..

I got to hang out with Ken and Jen - they even let me stick needles in them!

We had a nice dinner on Christmas Eve

with some new friends from London

We went into Detroit for Dad's birthday and saw the Monet through Dali exhibit at the DIA

I got to visit with my cousins

and I got to see Shelley and meet her new baby Analeise

she has some big blue eyes!

The sunsets have been beautiful

Yesterday I helped Steve and Hailey move from Ypsilanti to Stockbridge

It's amazing how much fun it is when it's not any of my stuff